Peaceful Solitude

I’m writing this while sitting in one of my favorite chill spots. There are people around, but I don’t pay any attention to them. I am listening to music to drown out the world around me. I’m here because it’s peaceful and that’s what I need at this moment.

By nature, I tend to be a peacekeeper. Whether it is my personality, or the fact that I am a middle child (that is a common trait of middle children, so I read), I dislike conflict, and I like the people around me to get along. I also like keeping peace with-in myself.

Why do I mention this? Because I was also blessed, or cursed depending on how you look at things, with an incredible amount of empathy. This means that not only do I sympathize with the people around me, but also I actually can feel some of the same feelings they feel. I feed off of other peoples emotions. So another words, when I’m with someone who is very happy, I will feed off of their emotions and feel happy myself. But the opposite is also true. When I’m with someone who is depressed or sad, I will begin to feel that also. Actually, negative emotions seem to be stronger so I am pulled towards them more than the positive ones.

So when two or more members of my friends or family are not getting along, I feel very conflicted inside. Especially if I am caught in the middle, i.e. one or both parties vent their frustrations to me. I care about both sides, and so my emotions are being pulled in both directions. My brain isn’t sure how to respond.

It is these moments when I need to get away; to escape from people. Away from the situation, I can calm myself down and feel at peace again. Talking to a neutral third party doesn’t really help because it keeps the negative emotions at the surface, as well as adds the emotions of that person into the mix.

My solution: Solitude (or as close to it as I can get). I then turn to the one confidant I know I can trust not to add to my tumultuous emotional conflict: my journal. I have kept one since I was probably 12 years old. Empty pages have no emotions. They are always neutral, objective, and silent. This is why I write. Writing is my outlet. It’s how I solve problems. Sometimes it is the only way I know how to express myself. Writing brings me peace. Even if no one reads it, I must keep writing.