Searching for Rainbows

It is the moments we feel we’ve hit rock bottom when we have the greatest opportunity to grow. At rock bottom we have two choices, we can stay put letting our misfortunes take control of our lives, while feeling sorry for ourselves. Or, we can go in the only direction that is left: up.

I came upon this realization when I recently had one of these rock bottom experiences. In the course of about 12 hours, I found myself single and jobless. That is a lot for one person to handle period and to cram it all into one day is nearly unbearable. I’ll admit that at first my future didn’t look very bright. I spent about a week moping around in my bathrobe and crying a lot.

While the doctor I had been working for had decided not to keep me on his staff, the company had offered me another position doing data entry for their transition to electronic medical records. They said I could take some time to think it over and get back to them on whether I would accept the job. If I chose to take the position, I would start after the New Year.

I’ll admit that I thought data entry would be incredibly tedious and dull, and it was just about the last job I wanted to do. Never the less, by the end of my first week at home feeling sorry for myself, I decided a boring job would be better than no job. That was my first step up.

The second week, I went to my grandma’s house for Christmas vacation. At first I was reluctant to go because I was so depressed I didn’t think I could face my family. In retrospect it was the best thing I could have done at the time. I have a very close, loving and supportive family, and they did a lot to lift my mood and help me see a brighter future.

The weather had been unusual for Wisconsin. New Years Eve arrived and we still had not seen snow since our trek north. With about an hour left of the old year, I looked out the window and noticed it’d been snowing with about 4 inches already accumulated. I’m not a fan of cold weather, so it was a bit odd that I was over come by the desire to take a walk in the snow. The street was deserted; I suppose everyone was inside ringing in the New Year. But there I was, alone and heartbroken walking through the quite village neighborhood. The world looked so picturesque and beautiful. It hit me that the snow had come just in time to cover the brown world in a blanket of white for the New Year; a fresh start so to speak. I felt that nature was somehow at that moment symbolic of my life. I knew I had a choice. I could continue to feel sorry for myself, or I could look at 2012 as a fresh start. It was then I made my New Years resolution. I resolved to learn to be content with where I am in my life, while working towards where I want to be. In 2012, I would look for something each day that I could be happy about or thankful for.

I realized that I had been unhappy for a while. I hadn’t had clear career goals since about my junior year of college, and my post college life had been rather disappointing. I had not wanted to move back in with my parents but had found that it was my best option at the time. I had not found a job in my degree field and had been working jobs I was unhappy with just pay my bills. I had no real direction in my life and the thought that this was it for me was incredibly hard to deal with. I had escaped into a relationship in the attempt to find some happiness, and while I was happy with him, when one’s happiness is solely based on another person, it will eventually crash down at your feel.

It has been in the last month that I began truly searching my soul for answers to what I want from life. And in a short amount of time, I have discovered things I have been aimlessly trying to figure out for years. While I can’t say I’m necessarily happy, I am for the first time in a while content. I’m still depressed. I still feel lonely and hurt. I still feel like I’m so far away from where I want to be. But I now feel that I can finally get on track to be there someday. I have discovered a career goal I am passionate about and am going back to school to pursue that goal. I’m making an effort to branch out and grow my very minuscule social group. I have been getting back in touch with old friends with whom I have neglected to keep in touch with mostly due to distance. And while these friends are far away, I am happy to have their support and friendship in my life. As far as the new job, there are moments it can be tedious, but I don’t really mind it. I really like the people I work with, and I’m not sure whether it is my new attitude towards life in general, but I am the happiest I have been at a job for a while.

I’ve come to the conclusion that although I can be negative at times, deep down I am truly an optimist. I believe that there is beauty in the world. I believe that every situation no matter how bad it might seem has some good as well, you just might have to look a little harder to find it. My goal for this year is to find the good in every situation.

In the movie “Finding Nemo,” Marlin and Dory are searching for Marlin’s lost son, Nemo. At one point, Marlin feels he has lost all hope. Dory the ever optimist says, “When life gets you down, you know what you got to do? Just keep swimming.” That is the kind of person I want to be. When I feel like life has kicked me around and I can’t go any lower, I want to be the kind of person to say, “Just keep swimming.” I want to be able to gather the pieces of my shattered life and start my journey up from rock bottom.

A Native American proverb that I really like says, “The soul could not have rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” This year I want to find my rainbows. I want to take this opportunity to grow as a person. I want to turn my tears into joy.