Searching for Rainbows

It is the moments we feel we’ve hit rock bottom when we have the greatest opportunity to grow. At rock bottom we have two choices, we can stay put letting our misfortunes take control of our lives, while feeling sorry for ourselves. Or, we can go in the only direction that is left: up.

I came upon this realization when I recently had one of these rock bottom experiences. In the course of about 12 hours, I found myself single and jobless. That is a lot for one person to handle period and to cram it all into one day is nearly unbearable. I’ll admit that at first my future didn’t look very bright. I spent about a week moping around in my bathrobe and crying a lot.

While the doctor I had been working for had decided not to keep me on his staff, the company had offered me another position doing data entry for their transition to electronic medical records. They said I could take some time to think it over and get back to them on whether I would accept the job. If I chose to take the position, I would start after the New Year.

I’ll admit that I thought data entry would be incredibly tedious and dull, and it was just about the last job I wanted to do. Never the less, by the end of my first week at home feeling sorry for myself, I decided a boring job would be better than no job. That was my first step up.

The second week, I went to my grandma’s house for Christmas vacation. At first I was reluctant to go because I was so depressed I didn’t think I could face my family. In retrospect it was the best thing I could have done at the time. I have a very close, loving and supportive family, and they did a lot to lift my mood and help me see a brighter future.

The weather had been unusual for Wisconsin. New Years Eve arrived and we still had not seen snow since our trek north. With about an hour left of the old year, I looked out the window and noticed it’d been snowing with about 4 inches already accumulated. I’m not a fan of cold weather, so it was a bit odd that I was over come by the desire to take a walk in the snow. The street was deserted; I suppose everyone was inside ringing in the New Year. But there I was, alone and heartbroken walking through the quite village neighborhood. The world looked so picturesque and beautiful. It hit me that the snow had come just in time to cover the brown world in a blanket of white for the New Year; a fresh start so to speak. I felt that nature was somehow at that moment symbolic of my life. I knew I had a choice. I could continue to feel sorry for myself, or I could look at 2012 as a fresh start. It was then I made my New Years resolution. I resolved to learn to be content with where I am in my life, while working towards where I want to be. In 2012, I would look for something each day that I could be happy about or thankful for.

I realized that I had been unhappy for a while. I hadn’t had clear career goals since about my junior year of college, and my post college life had been rather disappointing. I had not wanted to move back in with my parents but had found that it was my best option at the time. I had not found a job in my degree field and had been working jobs I was unhappy with just pay my bills. I had no real direction in my life and the thought that this was it for me was incredibly hard to deal with. I had escaped into a relationship in the attempt to find some happiness, and while I was happy with him, when one’s happiness is solely based on another person, it will eventually crash down at your feel.

It has been in the last month that I began truly searching my soul for answers to what I want from life. And in a short amount of time, I have discovered things I have been aimlessly trying to figure out for years. While I can’t say I’m necessarily happy, I am for the first time in a while content. I’m still depressed. I still feel lonely and hurt. I still feel like I’m so far away from where I want to be. But I now feel that I can finally get on track to be there someday. I have discovered a career goal I am passionate about and am going back to school to pursue that goal. I’m making an effort to branch out and grow my very minuscule social group. I have been getting back in touch with old friends with whom I have neglected to keep in touch with mostly due to distance. And while these friends are far away, I am happy to have their support and friendship in my life. As far as the new job, there are moments it can be tedious, but I don’t really mind it. I really like the people I work with, and I’m not sure whether it is my new attitude towards life in general, but I am the happiest I have been at a job for a while.

I’ve come to the conclusion that although I can be negative at times, deep down I am truly an optimist. I believe that there is beauty in the world. I believe that every situation no matter how bad it might seem has some good as well, you just might have to look a little harder to find it. My goal for this year is to find the good in every situation.

In the movie “Finding Nemo,” Marlin and Dory are searching for Marlin’s lost son, Nemo. At one point, Marlin feels he has lost all hope. Dory the ever optimist says, “When life gets you down, you know what you got to do? Just keep swimming.” That is the kind of person I want to be. When I feel like life has kicked me around and I can’t go any lower, I want to be the kind of person to say, “Just keep swimming.” I want to be able to gather the pieces of my shattered life and start my journey up from rock bottom.

A Native American proverb that I really like says, “The soul could not have rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” This year I want to find my rainbows. I want to take this opportunity to grow as a person. I want to turn my tears into joy.

Matchmaker Universe, make me a match.

In the not so very distant past, I confided in a friend about a certain relationship predicament. Her consoling words to me were, "If it's meant to be, it'll work out somehow."

While I appreciate my friends willingness to listen and her attempt at making me feel better, this is a concept that I simply cannot accept. It seems like I meet a lot of people who share this idea that somehow, miraculously, everything will simply fall into place. That some where out there, is a soulmate who is also waiting for the universe to gently place them into the same vicinity where upon meeting they'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. And then these same people seem to wonder why their relationships so often go wrong. (Now I fully admit that I'm not an expert on love. However, I do spend a lot of time observing people.)

We see this mind set all the time in books, movies and TV. Our culture seems to surround us by mushy love stories of meant for each other couples who against all odds still can work things out. The guys from the internet show, What You Ought to Know, came up with a formula for this idea that is repeatedly seen in romantic comedies (click the link to see the whole video): city scape, theme music, meant for each other, misunderstanding, chase scene, make up, make out, theme music, city scape, the end. While this is a humorous take on this idea, I believe it actually has a lot of merit.

The reason that all romantic comedies and even other stories, can be so predictable is because they are stories; Works of fiction. And while a nice diversion from life, often do not mimic reality. These types of stories are probably the brain child of some poor romantic soul, who is trying to through their work rewrite their own disappointing stories to finish with a happier ending. Take Jane Austin, for example, she wrote all of her stories so that the girl got the rich, handsome man because her own life didn't work out that way.

Now I realize that this makes me sound like a terrible cynic, but bear with me. It's not that I don't believe love exist because I do. I believe, however, that the popular ideas of soul mates, hollywood love, and happily ever after, are a bit simplistic. I don't believe that there is one person out that that is unequivocally meant to be with me. I believe their are people that are better suited for me than others, based on personality, interests, beliefs, etc, but that there are many men out there that I could be very happy with. I also believe that am I lucky enough to find one of these men, that it's not going to automatically fall into place for me. The universe simply doesn't work that way. The only way a relationship will work out is if both parties are equally committed to making that relationship work. I don't subscribe to the idea that love is some fluttery, warm fuzzy feeling you get when you're with someone. That's infatuation. Love is a much deeper emotion that must be cultivated over time and takes an incredible amount of work to maintain. And even with both people being equally committed, it's not going to be easy. So going back to the previously mentioned relationship predicament, I knew that it wouldn't work out because we were not equally committed to making it work.

So next time you're wondering why your romance didn't work out like the movies, remember the universe isn't a friendly matchmaker. It works rather more like a swift kick from reality to propel you into action to make that relationship work.

(I would love to hear reactions to this post.)

Hat Mania!

Recently I've become very bored with my current wardrobe and have decided to start to change it up. Since I can't completely replace all my clothing, I've been trying to find ways to make what I have more chic and unique. I love the vintage look, and I've been playing around with various accessories such as scarves, jewelry and hats. Hats are my new obsession. I love them! Every time I wear them I get the nicest smiles and compliments.

With all the buzz about the royal wedding, I decided I wanted to try my hand at making a hat from materials I already had around the house. Using some scrap fabric, an old headband, a ribbon, a piece of cardboard, some feathers and a hot glue gun, I created this. I wore it church and got some great compliments, although my mom told me that I need to add more trimmings to make it more flamboyant. I think I agree with her.

This is my most recent hat acquisition. I saw it at Target and thought it was too cute to pass up. I wore it to a graduation last weekend and as usual got many compliments on it. One older lady said she was so thrilled to see me wearing a hat. We then had a lovely conversation about hats and fashion. It seems to me the older generation really like when I wear hats, this is probably because it reminds them of when all the ladies wore hats.

This is my favorite hat. It's vintage and was given to me by a friend who bought it thinking she would like it, then decided it wasn't really her style. I adore it. The broad brim is glamorous, and I love the beautiful simplicity of it.

This is my newsie hat that my friend Joni knitted for me. Unfortunately, it's wool and it accidentally got sent through the wash and got a bit felted, so the cable detail isn't as noticeable. I was able to stretch it back out to fit my head and it still looks cute.

This final hat was my grandmothers. I wore it to a 1940's themed formal event in college. I think it's fantastic.

Tea with the Mad Hatter

So, I'm kind of having fun writing poetry. I love Alice in Wonderland, so I thought it would be fun to write a poem about the Mad Hatter. It still needs some work but here is it anyway.

Tea with the Mad Hatter

If I were to have tea with the Mad Hatter

What fun it would be, with riddles

And nonsense and crumpets and tea.

A chat with the March Hare, how confusing!

He’s quite off his rocker, that is if he had one

Which I honestly doubt, so he’s the sanest around.

The Hatter, you see, is crazy as they come,

But what if they’re going? I think you’ll agree

The Hatter is just as sane as you and me.

Of course, they say I’m not all there, but

If I’m not all there, then I must be all here.

And isn’t here the best place to be?

If you say what you mean, do you

Mean what you say? Have I taken leave of

My senses, or have they taken leave of me?

I’ll ponder the riddle until my brain is quite sore.

Ravens and writing desks, the answer is there,

To those with madness like the Hatter and Hare.

“Time has been killed” the queen proclaimed

So it’s “Teatime forever” the Hatter exclaims

Three spots to the left and it all starts again.

So if you’ve gone bonkers, join us please.

Sit back and enjoy a nice cup of tea with

The Hatter, the Hare, the Dormouse and me.

Samson the Flatulent

On my walk today I found myself wishing I had a dog to take with me. This brought to mind a memory from the year I was an international volunteer on the island of Palau. My roommate and I decide we needed a regular exercise routine, and so for the period of about a month we regularly got up at 5 a.m to go walking. We chose to go so early for a couple reasons; It gave us plenty of time to exercise and still get ready for school on time, and since the sun had not yet come up, it was the coolest part of the day.

Since it was still dark and there were wild dogs, not to mention we were young women, we decided it would be best to have some sort of protection for ourselves. So, we would take our friends' black lab, Samson, with us. Looking back I'm not sure why we thought that Samson would be good protection, since he was really the type of dog that would kill you with love. Luckily he never had to prove to us whether or not he had that fighter instinct in him. He did, however, prove something else to us. Samson was the most flatulent dog I had ever seen.

Each morning we would head up the hill to our friends' house, and Samson would greet us excitedly. We would put the leash on and take off on our walk. Samson would prance in front of us as if he were a king and we were his courtiers. With each step he would exude squeaky farts, blissfully unaware of his gastrointestinal problem.

Unfortunately, my roommate and I both got sick, which successfully put an end to our exercise routine. But we didn't stop loving that dog.

The Music Box

This month is National Poetry Writing Month (napowrimo) and although I'm not actually participating in the 30 poems in 30 days challenge, I thought it would be fun to at least write some poetry. So here is the first poem I've written this month.

The Music Box

Childhood treasures

Lost from adult consciousness

Enthrall the childish imagination

Somewhere deep inside.

Spinning 'round and 'round

To delicate tunes

She steals my heart away

With her smiling eyes.

The world seems bright and happy

Filled with hopes and dreams

Far beyond the little girl in ruffles

And her Irish figurine.

Surprise Party? Sure thing!

I went to Red Robin today. It made me think of the first time I went to Red Robin, which was without a doubt the most memorable time.

To give you a little back ground, I am a rather shy and quiet person until one gets to know me, so upon arriving at college for the first time, I was worried I wouldn't make friends. This was quiet unnecessary because for some reason, within the first two days I was singled out by Julie, one of the most bubbly and out going people I know, to be her best friend. We were pretty much inseparable. It just so happened that we had three classes together. It was in our Public Speaking class that we met Beau. Our professor divided the class into Speech groups. We were to get together with our groups every week and practice our speeches on them before we gave them in front of the class and our professor. Beau, Julie and I all ended up in the same group and we click. Before we knew it, the three of us were hanging out outside of class and Beau's best friend, Krissy, joined us as well.

The four of us hung out all the time. So it was no surprise that Krissy came to Julie and I to tell us that she was planning a surprise birthday party for Beau at Red Robin on Saturday night at 8 o'clock. Neither Julie or I had a car at the time so Krissy suggested we call her friend Holly and ask to catch a ride with her. We called Holly and made the arrangements and were looking forward to the weekend. We made it through most of the week without mentioning the weekend or any plans to Beau. Then on Friday night, Beau approached the us and asked what we were doing saturday night. We were a bit taken back but managed to sufficiently convince him that we didn't really have anything planned. He didn't even seem to notice our slightly nervous responses. The rest of the conversation went something like this (and I promise I am not making this up):

Beau: "Good. Krissy's birthday is coming up and I want to throw her a surprise birthday party."

Us: "Oh okay."

Beau: "We're going to do it tomorrow night at Red Robin at 8 o'clock. Can you guys be there?"

(At this point we are fighting really hard to hold back the laugher that wanted to exploded forth.)

Us: "Sure. We'll be there"

Beau: "Good. If you need a ride, you can call Holly."

After he walked away, Krissy came to talk to us to make sure we could still make it the following evening and to assure us that Beau had no idea that we were throwing a surprise party for him.

We both thought it quite funny that two of our good friends had just planned the same surprise birthday party for each other. In fact, it was so bizarrely the same that it was hard to believe that they didn't know about each other's plans.

Well, Saturday night at 8 o'clock Julie, Holly and I arrived at the restaurant and sat down with the group of people to wait for the arrival of the birthday people. Beau was of course in charge of getting Krissy to her surprise party and Krissy was in charge of getting Beau to his surprise party. While we waited, we chatted with the other guests in attendance and learned that not only did they plan the same party but they invited exactly the same people as well.

As Beau and Krissy entered the restaurant, we held up a banner that said, "Happy Birthday, Beau and Krissy", and yelled surprise. Beau and Krissy both turned to each other expecting to see the surprise in their friend's face. But the surprise that we all saw was much much better, when it dawned on them exactly what they had done. Best. Birthday Party. Ever!