While I appreciate my friends willingness to listen and her attempt at making me feel better, this is a concept that I simply cannot accept. It seems like I meet a lot of people who share this idea that somehow, miraculously, everything will simply fall into place. That some where out there, is a soulmate who is also waiting for the universe to gently place them into the same vicinity where upon meeting they'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after. And then these same people seem to wonder why their relationships so often go wrong. (Now I fully admit that I'm not an expert on love. However, I do spend a lot of time observing people.)
We see this mind set all the time in books, movies and TV. Our culture seems to surround us by mushy love stories of meant for each other couples who against all odds still can work things out. The guys from the internet show, What You Ought to Know, came up with a formula for this idea that is repeatedly seen in romantic comedies (click the link to see the whole video): city scape, theme music, meant for each other, misunderstanding, chase scene, make up, make out, theme music, city scape, the end. While this is a humorous take on this idea, I believe it actually has a lot of merit.
The reason that all romantic comedies and even other stories, can be so predictable is because they are stories; Works of fiction. And while a nice diversion from life, often do not mimic reality. These types of stories are probably the brain child of some poor romantic soul, who is trying to through their work rewrite their own disappointing stories to finish with a happier ending. Take Jane Austin, for example, she wrote all of her stories so that the girl got the rich, handsome man because her own life didn't work out that way.
Now I realize that this makes me sound like a terrible cynic, but bear with me. It's not that I don't believe love exist because I do. I believe, however, that the popular ideas of soul mates, hollywood love, and happily ever after, are a bit simplistic. I don't believe that there is one person out that that is unequivocally meant to be with me. I believe their are people that are better suited for me than others, based on personality, interests, beliefs, etc, but that there are many men out there that I could be very happy with. I also believe that am I lucky enough to find one of these men, that it's not going to automatically fall into place for me. The universe simply doesn't work that way. The only way a relationship will work out is if both parties are equally committed to making that relationship work. I don't subscribe to the idea that love is some fluttery, warm fuzzy feeling you get when you're with someone. That's infatuation. Love is a much deeper emotion that must be cultivated over time and takes an incredible amount of work to maintain. And even with both people being equally committed, it's not going to be easy. So going back to the previously mentioned relationship predicament, I knew that it wouldn't work out because we were not equally committed to making it work.
So next time you're wondering why your romance didn't work out like the movies, remember the universe isn't a friendly matchmaker. It works rather more like a swift kick from reality to propel you into action to make that relationship work.
(I would love to hear reactions to this post.)
Yeah, the whole soulmate thing is a little odd. I definitely agree that some people are a better fit than others but that there isn't one specific person for each individual.
ReplyDeleteI've heard the phrase, "If it's meant to be, it'll work out" a gazillion and three times. Probably said it myself in the past. I don't remember. But reading this realized my current thought is, "It'll work out." It may not work out how you want it to, but it will work out in some way. As in, there will be some type of resolution. I recently had a fight with a friend because of an ex-boyfriend. It brought up a lot of crazy emotions and confusion. And it's all worked out now. I'm not friends with the girl or my ex anymore, but that's okay. In the middle of the situation, I wanted things to turn out differently. But it's now been resolved in my mind. I learned something from the situation. I'm ready to move on to what's next. Things are better now than they were earlier.
So, I do think that things work out. But I don't think it's necessarily a "meant to be" or "not meant to be" thing. It's just a "time goes on and things have a tendency to work themselves out in some way, shape or form" thing. Most problems don't last forever. Some do. Most don't.
I agree that popular culture gives us limited, simplistic, and sometimes plain wrong ideas of what "love" is.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is that there are many kinds of love, and many definitions of the word. Even when you focus on "romantic love," you're faced with such a broad and encompassing concept that it is difficult to portray it WITHOUT simplifying it in some way.
As for people being "meant for each other," honestly, I think the people who truly believe that they only have one soul-mate, one person who they were made for, are not as numerous as popular culture would have us believe. As with other aspects of our lives, we like to DREAM that there's a perfect world that we're meant to be a part of - but we also realize that we get to live in the here and now, where we have to struggle to create things that are good, and fight to get them to last.
Infatuation can be a heady and wonderful thing - and when it can be combined with common interests, common goals, and a healthy dose of choice and commitment, I think it can be a wonderful base out of which love can grow. I don't believe that love wins out over everything - simply because that would imply that we can love perfectly - and the truth is that we don't even understand what perfect love IS, let alone how to achieve it. The beauty of a lasting, loving relationship is that it IS, as you said, a choice - and that choice can nurture the feeling and vice versa.